R> (Mr. Piles, a PE teacher is taking a badminton lesson for boys and girls)
Mr. Piles This is how you hold the baddy bat and this is how you hole the ball fing. Here is the net and we are standing on the ground, near the net. The idea of the game is to win. Remember you aren't allowed to rugby tackle your opponents and you must never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever...............oh, I forgot.
(The class are confused and just stand there looking gormless)
I'll be on your side Reg!
(Mr. Piles picks up a shuttlecock and starts hitting it around the rooom. The class are bewildered and stand still in silence watching him play on his own)
Raaaaa, Raaaaa, Raaaaa! Hooray this is great!!
(He stops)
Hey man, look at the time! Well you lot had better get changed then, and don't forget to shower you smelly gits!
(Mr. Piles runs away to his next lesson. It is science. He walks into a class of 1st formers)
Gooooooooooood morrrrrning Vietnam!! You don't know my name but that's because I haven't told you. I tell you what, let's have a guessing game. Lets guess what my name is!
(Silence)
Oh come on you bunch of gormless turds! This is fun!
(A small kid with glasses slowly raises his hand)
Boy 1 Is it Mr. Johnson Sir?
Mr. Piles Nope
(Mr. Piles runs over to the kid and kicks the legs out from under his chair causing him to fall flat on his face)
Mr. Piles Get down there and do fifty press ups you ignorant little runt!......Who's next?
(A small boy with no arms and legs raises his hand)
Boy 2 Is it Mr. Bender sir?
Mr. Piles No you twatt!! Give me 75 star jumps, 30 squat thrusts and then run around the school 38 times, you spazmo!
(Mr. Piles picks up a bunsen burner and holds it to his groin)
Hey look at me everyone! This is my willy! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
(Mr. Piles carries on laughing while the class sit in silence)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
(The bell goes for assembly and Mr. Piles runs away to the hall. It is his turn to take the assembly)
Hello everyone, let's talk about SEX!!
(Mr. Donkey the deputy head intervenes)
Mr. Donkey Er...... Mr. Piles......I don't think that is a subject which should be discussed in assembly.
Mr. Piles Oh get lost you gay boy! Okay then, we'll talk about the human body instead.
(Mr. Piles takes all his clothes off and gives a half hour lecture about himself. Mr. Donkey faints)
SCENE 2
(It is lunch time. Mr. P is in the dinner queue next to several teachers and children)
(Mr. Piles dies but then comes back to life)
Dinner Lady What would you like Mr. Piles? We've got some lovely potatoes today.
Mr. Piles Ha ha ha ha ha, you said "potatoes"! Ha ha ha that sounds a bit like testicles doesn't it! Ha ha ha ha!
(Mr. Piles grabs a knife and sticks it into his groin - then he dies)